I left my dream job almost 5 years ago.  My heart still aches for it. It’s the type of pain that nobody talks about.  The feeling that something was so natural, comfortable, challenging, and fun but it still was given up. To be completely clear, I still do not regret leaving: the job itself was my dream but the situation was beginning to weigh on my mental health.  At the time, my role was only part-time and I was working 3 jobs to make ends meet.  Another realization hit me: I wasn’t being taken seriously within the organization, stifling my growth. 

Anyone who knows me personally will know exactly what this is because I never stop talking about it. That job will always be on my highlight reel.  It was the job I dreamed about. 

While pregnant with Maisie, I decided that I needed to include more of that type of work in my life again. It gives me so much purpose. So, I signed myself up to be a volunteer with the organization (as if I had enough time.. LOL).  Immediately, I received a text message from the volunteer manager saying that she was super excited to receive my application (we had worked together previously). I essentially needed no training because I knew it all already. I know how to interact with the public, I know what should and should not be discussed, and I even know how to make a negative conversation spin into a positive one.

After finishing the weeks of classroom learning and passing the exam I became a full-fledged volunteer. I had essentially to be trained on the job a bit more. My first day on the grounds was as scheduled with the head of the Volunteer Education Committee.  I played it off and did not share that my entire soul is in education. So he treated me like I needed fully trained. 

Spoiler alert: I didn’t. 

After 10 minutes of being together he said “You know, Kaylie, you’re really good at this.”  Then I shared that I had worked not only with the organization but also as an educator. We spent the day tag-teaming and simply talking with guests. Simply educating. It was so much fun. Within the 4 hours I volunteered my trainer and I spoke with over 1800 people. We helped strangers create lasting memories. We showed children the magic that is our natural world. I had strangers telling me I was good at my “job.”

My heart is so heavy today.

I chose to leave a job that spoke to my soul. I chose to leave a position that set my soul on fire. I chose to leave a role that gave me joy and purpose.

Literally, every single day I check the website for job postings. Every single day I hope that another job for me with this organization is going to come back up. 

Yes, I’ve applied for the off-the-wall jobs within the organization. I’ve talked myself into the idea that they’re perfect for me. I’ve interviewed, and I’ve begun dreaming of that role. Nothing has worked out.

I come from a blue-collar family: Mom’s a teacher, dad’s a mechanic. Hell, I married a pipefitter. Nobody fully understands the heaviness in my heart, because to them going to work every day is a job. It’s work. You’re not supposed to enjoy it, it doesn’t bring them any purpose. It’s just a paycheck at the end of the day.  In full transparency, I think that’s completely fine for a lot of people. They’re able to go to work every day, get their paycheck, come home, and have a great life. I’m just not sold that it’s for me.

So, now I find myself searching for this purpose and unable to find it. Every time I got to volunteer my heart ached. I am flooded with compliments, but is it enough to spend a few hours per month doing what I love?

Friends, if somehow I find an answer then I’ll let you know 💕