It took 29 years (almost 30), but I finally found a doctor who considered more than my physical health in a diagnosis. Before I get into the story: let’s take a step back. I’ve always been a happy, positive, energetic person. Always. To the point that when I began showing symptoms of that energy changing: my support system simply told me that I was too negative. I was too much. Ideally, they threw that toxic positivity crap in my face (we touch on this in A Glimmer a Day keeps the doctor away”). 

What nobody told me was that I needed help. 

“Oh, it’s normal; life’s just hard”

I thought I was getting along just fine. Sure, life is stressful. Sometimes, work is overly stressful. Humans are infuriating (all the time). It’s totally normal to be frustrated with life. What was different was my reaction to my toddler. When Maisie was born Laurel was 17 months. I swear she was a baby before Maisie and then overnight she turned into this Godzilla-Monster-Toddler.  Sure, she had her unbelievably sweet and caring moments, but she also had her destruction. Normally, I would have enough patience to work with her. Normally, I wouldn’t get angry over something silly. But I found myself getting infuriated with her. I felt blessed that Maisie was able to help calm me down (hello, Oxytocin!). But it wasn’t fair to Laurel. 

Keep in mind: hindsight is always 20/20. It’s easy to recognize the signs with a clear mind, but in the moment I thought I was just overwhelmed with my parental journey. 

Back to the story: during my pregnancy (with both, but we are focusing on Maisie here), I suffered from Gestational Hypertension. This meant that I was consistently checking my blood pressure, watching my stress, trying to eat less salt, and taking medication every day. Generally speaking, when someone has Gestational Hypertension, it usually resolves within 4 weeks of birth (the idea is the fetus and hormone changes caused the blood pressure to increase, so when that’s removed it goes back to normal). However, at 4 weeks I was still sky high; medication was BARELY managing it. At my 6-week appointment (this one all parents know because your doctor checks how you’re healing and potentially gives you activity permissions back) my BP was still high. My doctor discussed with me that we would give it a little more time. Then we discussed how life was. How I was handling everything. Postpartum depression and anxiety is unbelievably common. I’ll never forget her asking “Have you just been sad occasionally or is it affecting your kids?”

I hit a dead stop. It came into picture. 

So, I agreed to try a mood stabilizer. 

TBH, I legit expected no change. I thought I was wasting my time: “Life is just hard right now and my habits aren’t well defined.  I just need to find balance within myself.”

Holy shit. 

It took about a month, but my constant anxiety is gone. I have more focus. My energy is back.  Even my blood pressure returned to normal (this may have been a coincidence, but I choose to think it wasn’t). 

This doctor saw me. She noticed my energy changes. She could see that I was struggling. I can’t thank her enough. 

Thanks to her I have been able to bond better with my entire family. I’ve been able to focus more on maintaining a more healthy lifestyle. I’ve been able to carry on an enjoyable conversation without debilitating anxiety. 

As I finish this whole thing, I want to reiterate two things:

1. Keep searching; you’ll find that doctor who really can give you the best care possible. 
2. Check on your happy friends; our society literally hardwires that we need to always be happy and grateful. So that’s how we present ourselves. Even when I shared with my husband that I was going to start this medication, he was shocked. He flat out asked “What brought this up?” (And for clarification, he is literally the most understanding, supporting person in the whole world — he just was genuinely surprised). 

Friends, feel free to let me know your thoughts and stories. This one changed my life 💕

Huge thank you to the doctor who saw me 💗